Girl you’ve been forgetting

Just how special you really are

And I try to remind you 

Sometimes I can’t find you 

But the truth is in your heart, 

Dear self, 

I am writing to you regarding the last twenty years that have passed. It seems that every year that passes I see it becoming harder to reach you and we both know it is driving us both insane. Today was just another one of those days where you hit the bottom and locked yourself in the bathroom crying till you couldn’t handle it anymore. Today was just another one of those days where you looked at yourself in the mirror and felt grossed out by what you were seeing. Today was just another of those days where you felt like ripping all the little pieces of your body and throw it away. That happened today. But it also happened millions of days before. Today you reminded yourself of how much that headache of the previous sobbing actually hurts. And how does it hurt. It hurts a lot. But not only the actual headache but also the ache you give to your heart. We’ve been through this before. We’ve had harder years. We’ve done enough mistakes. We’ve been through scars and pills and locked bathrooms. We’ve had enough interventions. And it still seems like it is impossible to look at you and name a single thing you actually like about yourself. All these battles we’ve been fighting have become a huge war. And it has become a war you’re not fighting only by yourself. Now, you don’t cry alone. You make others cry because you are unhappy. What could’ve they possibly do to make you feel this unhappy? Nothing. You’ve done it yourself. But they deserve better. And so do you. It’s time to stop being ashamed of leaving the house because you feel too disgusted to be seen. It’s time to actually appreciate some good time and make some memories with your friends under whatever circumstances (and you know what I’m talking about). It’s time to stop putting yourself down because you don’t look the way you want to look. You’re working towards that. You’re doing the very best you can. You just have to patient. And kind. To yourself. 

I know it is hard, but we’ve already been through the worst it could have been. You are going to put your head up, you are not going to give up and you are going to embrace the beautiful person people tell you you are. And one day, you will believe it. I know you will. So I apologize for all the scars and all the tears and all these terrible, terrible headaches. But you know it yourself, “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. 

I love you. Not as much as I should, but we are getting there. Step by step.

love,

Ana

Now that I made it (almost) into college, I start to get that constant fear of ending up alone. You know, like maybe 3 in 5 people knew the person they married in college but what if that doesn't happen to me? In 19 years I never knew anyone who actually felt that way for me, that could easily say ''It's you I want to spend the rest of my life with" or could even say an "I love you" that was really meant it. What if that never exactly changes and I end up like, probably, lots of people there? Alone, with a job that is the only thing that fulfills me and having shitload of friends that are perfectly married or aren't even married but have found 'the one'. Not even talking about that kind of love, what if everyone I know and love ends up finding better people and I get to be the one that didn't evolve with them? What if they finally understand they can do so much better and I'm left behind, with no one, perfectly alone. That's not the life I want for me but what if it is what happens? Meredith Grey once said that there was a reason why she would be happy alone. But it wasn't because she would actually be happy alone. It was because she thought that if she loved someone and then that love died, she wouldn't be able to cope with the pain. There are indeed some people I endlessly love, with all my heart, with all my soul... And, right now, I'm just scared to be the one who's going to be watch them walking away. "I will never leave you", people say. But people always leave.

"Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."

« maybe she got scared of needing somebody too much »

"It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re seventeen and planning for ‘some day’. And then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, ‘some day’ is today, and then ‘some day’ is yesterday, and this is your life. We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. But ambition is good, chasing things with integrity is good; dreaming. If you had a friend you knew you’d never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be? Say it, do it, don’t wait; nothing lasts forever. Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle’s gonna come from, the next memory, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner and you open your heart and your mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic; you just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart."

“I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out; I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find. I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life. Not a tavern but a temple; out of the works of my every day, not a reproach but a song. I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good and more than any fate could have done to make me happy. You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign. You have done it by being yourself. Perhaps that is what being a friend means, after all.”

“‘Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her. I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’?"

- JK Rowling

since when do you not care?

está quase; 14.07.2012!

there's nothing more degrading than feeling trapped and uncomfortable in your own body. 

things go wrong. things don't last. people lose each other.

you never really can fix my heart