Girl you’ve been forgetting

Just how special you really are

And I try to remind you 

Sometimes I can’t find you 

But the truth is in your heart, 

Dear self, 

I am writing to you regarding the last twenty years that have passed. It seems that every year that passes I see it becoming harder to reach you and we both know it is driving us both insane. Today was just another one of those days where you hit the bottom and locked yourself in the bathroom crying till you couldn’t handle it anymore. Today was just another one of those days where you looked at yourself in the mirror and felt grossed out by what you were seeing. Today was just another of those days where you felt like ripping all the little pieces of your body and throw it away. That happened today. But it also happened millions of days before. Today you reminded yourself of how much that headache of the previous sobbing actually hurts. And how does it hurt. It hurts a lot. But not only the actual headache but also the ache you give to your heart. We’ve been through this before. We’ve had harder years. We’ve done enough mistakes. We’ve been through scars and pills and locked bathrooms. We’ve had enough interventions. And it still seems like it is impossible to look at you and name a single thing you actually like about yourself. All these battles we’ve been fighting have become a huge war. And it has become a war you’re not fighting only by yourself. Now, you don’t cry alone. You make others cry because you are unhappy. What could’ve they possibly do to make you feel this unhappy? Nothing. You’ve done it yourself. But they deserve better. And so do you. It’s time to stop being ashamed of leaving the house because you feel too disgusted to be seen. It’s time to actually appreciate some good time and make some memories with your friends under whatever circumstances (and you know what I’m talking about). It’s time to stop putting yourself down because you don’t look the way you want to look. You’re working towards that. You’re doing the very best you can. You just have to patient. And kind. To yourself. 

I know it is hard, but we’ve already been through the worst it could have been. You are going to put your head up, you are not going to give up and you are going to embrace the beautiful person people tell you you are. And one day, you will believe it. I know you will. So I apologize for all the scars and all the tears and all these terrible, terrible headaches. But you know it yourself, “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. 

I love you. Not as much as I should, but we are getting there. Step by step.

love,

Ana